A raw and personal reflection on childhood trauma, military struggles, family sacrifice, and how one man continues forward despite a lifetime of reasons to stay angry.
I find myself angry. Angry at this life and how it has presented itself. My mother lived through a lot of hardship in her life. In the end, she left with peace in her soul and not much else. I think of my past history and where I come from.
The elementary schools where I would be chased around the classroom when the teacher left. How on “Crazy Shoe Day” were self-made drawings glued to my shoes. Upon arrival, I found out they meant to wear mismatched shoes. I was lucky enough just to have one pair of shoes, not the two required to have mismatched shoes. Living from motel to motel, shifting from place to place as a child, never having a steady place to grow due to my “father’s” decisions.
I get angrier when I think of my adolescence, how much of it was stolen, literally and figuratively. My stepfather would steal our toys, comic books, and anything else of value to sell, helping fuel his alcohol addiction. I worked so hard to make money just to help our family survive day to day. Coming up with different ways to earn money took a lot of my youth, but it still wasn’t enough to make things better. I grew into a young adult.
I had joined the military thinking it might help. This was before you could find everything on the internet. I stumbled into it without really knowing what I was doing. The bonus helped momentarily, but without the structure of knowing finances, I failed. The damage to my mental health took a beating that even I wasn’t aware of but came out at the end of my military career. I was angry and bitter with how life was turning out.
Then, I met my wife after returning to Virginia to help my mom’s living situation. That was after my failed experiment of living in Texas with a unique experience. Thinking that I found my hope and my purpose after meeting my wife, I was met with more walls than what was ever present in my life. Complex and complicated decisions were made. It didn’t make my life any easier.
The language barrier, the cultural differences, the borders that separated our lives in time, everything seemed to be working against us. Life’s challenges pushed me into directions I never thought were possible. Our love outshined it all. Due to my actions though, to this very day, we have suffered as a family. My self-doubt rules my mind.
My anger boils. Looking back doesn’t help much. The shoulda, woulda, coulda will only stop me from moving forward. The anger I possess can stop me in my tracks, but I can’t allow it to dictate my future. I have to look forward.
This is how I cope with anger. Over my lifetime, I have learned not to hold grudges. Letting things roll off your back is very difficult, but it is possible. If you hold on to anger, it will only eat at you on the inside. The other person or thing that has made you so angry will long forget about you, so you must let it go.
As I say, forgive but don’t forget. As others say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” It is life’s lessons that teach us how to deal with different situations. It is up to us how we cope with the outcome. Remember to always look forward at your greater purpose in life.